Wondering why you aren’t getting likes? Noticing more unfollowers than followers? Don’t really care about any of that? You’re in luck, because this is a satirical guide on how to properly manage your Instagram account that will not guarantee you any of the above.
Thou shall not choose a bad filter. Tip: Instagram has a lovely, lovely feature where you don’t have to choose filters, but instead use tools where you can adjust the contrast, brightness, saturation, etc. Play around with those; your scenic pictures will look really scenic!
Thou shall not post a picture with a bad caption. There are great pictures, and then there are horrible captions. A terrible caption can be detrimental to the picture; it’s a team effort! Example: A zoomed in selfie with caption “The Eiffel Tower is so majestic.” Or a picture of a cupcake with hashtags #abs #6pack #gym #squats #muffintop. Tip: Writer’s block? Ask your more creative friends for help. The safe route would be just using one hashtag that’s simple and relative to the picture.
Thou shall not use Flipagram (or similar app) to create a video of 100 pictures lapse in 15 seconds. Tip: Just don’t.
Honor your friends. Don’t be that friend who posts a picture where everyone else looks like shit except for you. Tip: Ask for a consensus before posting, so you can avoid that text message, “Et tu, Brute?”
Thou shall not take offense if unfollowed. An unfollow from someone you know does not always mean your friendship is on the rocks. Instagram just does not have a “hide” function yet. Tip: Don’t obsess over it.
Thou shall never post a blurry food picture. A person is most likely on Instagram during his/her lunch break, eating his/her sad lunch (unless you’ve taken Juley’s tips on how to pack a good lunch), so do us all a favor and show off your superior lunch clearly and deliciously. Tips: Tap screen to focus, and snap!
Thou shall not post private moments. This is pretty subjective, but moments such as funerals (open caskets) and your birthing video should be kept between you and your family. Tip: If you want to recognize a special moment, snap a pic of anything else. Anything.
Thou shall give credit where credit is due. Tip: Don’t rip off other people’s work, or else people are really going to think you painted that Monet.
Thou shall not fall for scams. The whole “first 100,000 followers will win a ridiculous amount of money if you repost and tag blah blah” account is hardly ever real. Please don’t spread the nonsense. Tips: If your Instagram is on private, this especially does not work (this tip also applies to those trying to win a legitimate contest on Instagram).
Thou shall not post a selfie a day unless you’re a Kardashian/Jenner/January Jones. Tip: If you have a little “k” or “m” after your number of followers, you can do whatever the hell you want, which means you can disregard this entire list.